Making Love Last. Want the magic to endure?

7 May

You had the good vibes going. You were high from the love potions coursing through your body. You were humming all the crazy-in-love songs you’ve ever heard. You had created The Honeymoon Effect with the love of your life and you knew that this time it was going to last forever.

Except it didn’t.

It all came crashing down, and you were left devastated and obsessed with what might have been. And puzzled: how could something so magical degenerate into endless, bickering recriminations and, if you were married, divorce court?

After all, you wanted it to work. You believed it would work. Maybe The Biology of Belief works for other people, you’re thinking, but it doesn’t for you. Yes it does! But there’s a catch, which explains why positive thinking and believing, by themselves, don’t work.

The catch is that when you bonded so closely with your partner during those first blissful days and months, your behaviors and actions were controlled by the processing of your conscious minds. The conscious mind is the “creative” mind, the one that acts on behalf of your wishes and desires. So when the conscious minds of two lovers entangle, together they create magical harmony. Because honeymoon partners are operating from their deepest wishes and desires, the outcome of their interactions is . . . voilà, Heaven on Earth!

However, over time, your conscious mind becomes burdened with thoughts dealing with the busy-ness of everyday life—balancing your budget, scheduling your chores, planning your weekend. The processing of the conscious mind shifts from creating the honeymoon experience to the management and strategies needed to deal with perceived necessities. The result is that the conscious mind relinquishes behavioral control to default programs previously stored in the subconscious mind.

When it comes to partners, there are suddenly four instead of two minds involved. And these two “extra” subconscious minds can wreak havoc on happily-ever-after relationships. When our conscious minds stop paying attention to the moment, we lose control over our honeymoon creation because we unknowingly engage in preprogrammed behaviors we acquired through our developmental experiences. For many couples, once that subconscious programming comes to the fore, the honeymoon glow fades very quickly.

That’s not surprising because the behaviors programmed in the subconscious mind are primarily derived from observing and downloading other people’s behaviors (many of them negative and disempowering)—especially those of your parents, immediate family, community, and culture. You start seeing a side of your partner (and yourself) that never emerged during the honeymoon. When the conscious mind stops paying attention to the current moment, you automatically and, most important, unconsciously engage in behaviors you downloaded from others.

What does this have to do with The Honeymoon Effect? None of the programming you received before the age of six came from your wishes, desires, and aspirations. It came from observing your parents and your community and that is the programming that primarily impacts how you approach relationships. It also explains the patterns of relationships: why some people look for love in all the wrong places, why some people can’t sustain a relationship, and why some blessed people live a charmed life when it comes to relationships. For most people, who didn’t have enlightened parents, this is the programming we need to undo before we can enjoy The Honeymoon Effect every day of our lives.

REPROGRAMMING THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

1. Be conscious of what you ask for

Over the years, my wife Margaret and I have learned from personal experience a truth we have often heard before: to help yourself and to assist the Universe in helping you, it is important to visualize and list exactly what you want out of life. Wherever our goals are unclear, the Universe does its best to fill in the blanks. Unfortunately, it’s what shows up in the details we did not plan on that can seriously undermine our desired goals and aspirations.
With that in mind, before you start reprogramming your subconscious mind, it would be best to step back and ask yourself consciously: “What is it that I really want?”

I used to tell people to be careful of stating what they want because they’re going to get it, until my wonderful life partner, Margaret, pointed out how negative that admonition is. So I’ve changed the statement to one Margaret suggested: “Be conscious of what you ask for because you’re going to get it.”

2. Review your subconscious programming

While we focus on defining the characteristics of the mate we are seeking, we inevitably fail to assess whether our own behavior, especially the invisible, subconscious kind, would be compatible with the kind of partner we desire. For example, maybe you grew up in a family where your parents never expressed a loving relationship and were sharp with each other. You’re determined to find a mate who will express those loving characteristics you didn’t observe but now hunger for. Your conscious mind will generate behavior to attract your desired mate, but the predominant and unobserved subconscious behaviors you acquired from your parents may invisibly repel any contender who expresses these sought-after, loving traits.

We are mostly unaware of our own subconscious behaviors and on the occasions we do notice them, it’s almost shocking and embarrassing. As a result of not seeing our own behavior, we tend to blame others for our failed relationships: How could someone as good as I am be the source of the problem? True, in our conscious minds we are the loving people we think we are, but most of the time our lives are invisibly shaped by subconscious programs that may not be so lovable.

 

Bruce H. Lipton, Ph.D., a pioneer in the new biology, is an internationally recognized leader in bridging science and spirit.

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